The Alfred Jones show
by arikirkland
Summary: Alfred deals with the everyday annoyances of his 2 nieces and 1 nefew.Michael, the little rebelious child, Katherine, the teen age ghetto girl and Carolina, baby girl. Can Alfred keep up with them? I dont know so read it.


Chapter 1: Watch your mouth, baby girl.

RATING: T

Warning: language!

When Alfred picked up the phone he was surprised that he needed to go to his dear niece's school. As he nervously drove to her school he saw the teacher of his niece there. "Mr. Jones there is something I need to talk to you about." Said the teacher. Alfred gulped. "Sure thing! What is it about?" he said nervously. The teacher led him to her classroom and offered him a seat. The teacher fidgeted on her seat. "Uh, Mr. Jones, your niece, Carolina, said a very inappropriate word." The teacher said. Alfred blinked in surprise when the teacher gave him a piece of paper with the word Carolina had said. "No. Mrs. Hevderary are you sure baby girl said this?" Alfred said in a surprised tone of voice. The teacher sadly nodded. "Now Mr. Jones do you say stuff like this at your house?" said the teacher.

Flashback:

("Hey Angel! Why would people dress like this? This is total bullshit." Alfred said. "I don't know honey. Why don't you ask Haley?" said Angel. "life is a bitch, I swear." Alfred responded.)

Flashback ends.

"No. I would never say such a thing. I grew up in a family full of respect." Alfred lied. "Well I do believe you in that, but where would she learn such a thing?" said the teacher. "I don't know. I will ask baby girl and I promise she won't say it ever again." Alfred said. When he left the school he was very pissed off. When he got home he called Carolina. "Carolina Anne Jones! Get down here ASAP!" Alfred yelled. After 5 minutes a little 5 year old blonde came down the steps. "Yes Uncle Alfy?" said Carolina. "Now baby girl, did you cuss today at school?" asked Alfred softly. Carolina shook her head. "I said bitch that's all." Carolina said. Alfred then sighed. "Carolina, baby girl, you're not suppose to say stuff like that. It's bad." Alfred said. "But you say it." Carolina responded. "That's because I am a grown up. I can say it." Alfred said.

After the small conversation with his youngest niece, he went to the kitchen where his lovely wife was cooking. "What are you cooking?" he said, leaning on the kitchen counter. "Some rice with lemon chicken and a small salad in the side." Said his wife. "Angel, did you know Carolina cussed at school today?" Alfred said. "Yes, the cause was your dirty little mouth." Angel hummed out. Alfred just rolled his eyes. "Oh and I signed you up for a mouth controlling program." Angel said. "What!" Alfred said. "Since your practically the only man in the house that cusses I was thinking you would love to take those classes." Angel smiled.

(Alfred's comments: Me! Taking mouth controlling classes! Man if I didn't I would have a divorce ASAP! But I'll stay for a few days to see if I can try to fix myself.)

One week later:

"Okay Mr. Jones, why do you think you are here today?" said a Russian therapist. "Apparently I am here because of my language." Alfred responded. The whole family sat on the couch, staring at Alfred. "Is Uncle Alfred going to a mental institution? Because I think he belongs there." Said a small blonde boy with glasses. "You shut up before I take you to a mental institution and keep you tied up in there." Alfred threatened to the small boy. "Mr. Jones, you really need help with your language." Said the Russian therapist. "I don't need help with my language, these kids need help with their behavior Mr. Braginski." Alfred snapped. "Alfred you need help with your language." Said Angel. "No I don't!" Alfred said.

(Alfred's comments: They are seriously saying I need help! I don't need help! All they need is respect! The thing I was born with! Jesus Christ! People these days.)

"So try to go at least 1 week without cursing or anything, okay?" said Mr. Braginski. Alfred just nodded. "I won't cuss." Alfred responded. After that they left the therapists office and left home. When it was time for dinner, Angel called everyone but no one, except Alfred, came down the steps. "If I go up those damn steps I will drag you down those steps!" Alfred screamed out.

"Katherine! Katherine, did you do your home work?" Alfred asked. "Yes." Said the brunette. "Did you do your math home work?" Alfred asked again, but Katherine stayed quiet. "Go and do it." Alfred responded, reading a newspaper. "But I don't understand it." Katherine said. "Try your best." "But Uncle Alf…" "I am not arguing with you because if I do you gon' end up being locked in that room and you will not ever see the sun light ever in your life!" Alfred threatened. After that Katherine left to her room to do her homework.

As Alfred walked down the steps, he saw Michael eating ice cream. "Now I want you to put back that ice cream." Alfred said. "But Uncle Alfred, I want ice….." Michael was then interrupted by Alfred "No buts boy because yesterday you didn't want to eat your vegetables." Said Alfred. Michael said but one more time but then Alfred said "Say but one more time and I will burn the taste out of you! You will be like 'Hey Uncle Al, how does this taste?' I don't know. I guess it's kinda good. Why can't you taste it? 'Because you burnt the taste outta my mouth.'" Said Alfred.

"Okay." Said Mr. Braginski. "Mr. Jones, you will lock her in her room until she don't see the light again?" Mr. Braginski read from a paper. "No no no. She wouldn't do her home work so…." Alfred was interrupted by Mr. Braginski. "You will burn the taste out of his mouth?" "Well he didn't eat his vegetables." "You will tie her up and ship her to china?" "Well that was a joke."

"You would send them to a military academy and send them to war?"

"Well they love the U.S. Army."

"You will slap them Japanese?"

"He, he, he isn't that funny?"

"Caca dodo?"

"I never said that!"

Alfred was so nervous at the rate of his mouth controlling and the way Mr. Braginski was looking at him. "Mr. Jones, are you aware that you are threatening them daily?" said Mr. Braginski. "It's not threatening, it's discipline." Said Alfred. Alfred was shifting through his seat. "Listen, Alfred, maybe you can at least think before you speak?" said Mr. Braginski.

(Alfred's comments: Me! Thinking before I speak! Hell nah' I don't need to do that cause I know what I'm saying! God)

"Okay I'll try to do that." Alfred responded. "Don't try, do it." Mr. Braginski said. Alfred then got out of the office and went home. "How was your day?" Angel said. Alfred then stayed quiet. "Talk boy!" Angel yelled, but Alfred just shook his head and said "I ain't gon' talk if I can't discipline." Alfred responded. Angel scratched her forehead and sighed. "I regret doing this. Okay you can stay quiet but please at least say something." Angel responded. Alfred just nodded as he opened the news paper, but then a soccer ball flew to him and his coffee was dropped on him. "What the fff-!" Alfred said. "Alfred!" said Angel. "Why are you playing ball in the house?" Alfred said in a New York accent. "Cause you said we can't go outside." Michael said.

Alfred rolled his eyes and pulled his hair back and sighed. "Can you please play something else?" Alfred said. "No." Katherine responded. "A… i… wi…" Alfred then stayed quiet as he left to change his clothes. Katherine and Michael smiled. "What the hell are ya' laughing at? Go and play something else. Here. Give me that piece of leather." Angel demanded. Michael and Katherine gave Angel the soccer ball and left. Then Carolina came into the kitchen and sat on the table. "Why is Uncle Al mumbling things in his room." Carolina said. "I don't know baby girl." Angel responded as she cut up tomatoes. Carolina saw the mess of coffee and then she took a towel and cleaned it up. Alfred then came back down stairs and saw Carolina cleaning up the mess. "Aw, thanks Baby girl." Alfred said as he kissed Carolina's cheek. "You're welcome, Uncle Al." Carolina said.

As Alfred walked into the kitchen he saw Michael eating ice cream. "Mike, did you eat your vegetables?" Alfred asked. "No, but I want some ice cream." Michael said. "I will… I ….. Fine you can eat it" Alfred said. He then walked away.

(Alfred's comments: I can't make any threats. Wow. It's like saying I can't drink with my friends every Saturday and Sunday night! Jesus Christ! Now watch one day, I will throw everything on them!... Yeah I'll do it one damn day!)

"Okay it's been 3 weeks since Mr. Jones threatened or cursed, right?" said Mr. Braginski. "Yes. He has behaved good" said Michael. Alfred did his cute animation smile. "Hey I gotta ask you a question." Said Alfred. "What is it?" Mr. Braginski said. "I can say anything I want here right" Alfred said. "Yes" "So it won't leave?" "No it won't" "Okay can I say it?" "What is it then." Said Mr. Braginski.

"Ok. You Katherine, you are the oldest of the children, which is the one I want to tie up and force you into 298 hours of military videos nonstop! And then give you 344 hours of Math courses with a fucking ass whooping! Like, like wap! Poom! Pow!" Alfred said in a hyped tone. "And you Michael, you need to eat your vegetables cause you gon' be in wheel chairs cause I will break your legs like snap! And And crack!" Alfred continued. "And you baby girl, your adorable and that's what keeping me from hurting you, but watch when you turn 11 you gon' get the but whoopin'!"Alfred continued for more than thirty minutes until. "And I will make sure you guys are disciplined." Alfred finished. Every one's eyes were wide. "Mr. Jones, I can't accept this but I have to say, you did a good job." Mr. Braginski said. Alfred then sat up in pride and shook Mr. Braginski's hand. After he left with the family. All the children were afraid and scared of what he had said for the past half hour.

Back in a bar, Alfred was with all his friends. "So Alfred, how was that mouth controlling session?" asked a British blonde. "Ah, it was fine Artie. Maybe I should sign you up for it." Alfred responded as he put a domino down. "My sister said you went on four half an hour insulting the children." A dominican man said as he slammed down a domino. "Wow Alfred you know how to insult, don't you think so too, Manuel?" said Arthur."Yep. How about you, Gilbert?" said Manuel. Gilbert just laugh and said "I think Arthur's mouth is more dirty. Alfred is nothing compared to how Arthur gets when he's mad at Peter and Roxanne." Said the Albino. "Honhonhon. You should see Arthur when he is drunk….. oh wait we already did." A french man said. "Shut up froggie!" Arthur snapped, "oh no but mon petite, you are still beautiful." Responded the French, "shut the fuck up!" Arthur responded. "So, Francis, what are you doing here?" Gilbert asked smashing a domino down. Alfred just smiled. "I am here because I felt like being here." Francis said. "Oh wow" Alfred replied. "I see Alfred is very happy." Francis said. "I am because now I proved that I can control my mouth and baby girl won't say anything bad." Alfred said.

"Hey Carolina, your hair is too long! Cut it." Said a kid. "You're an…." "She said ass!" said Alfred. "Yes. Now I heard that you had to take some classes for your….. mouth and I appreciate that but how does she learn all these words?" said the teacher. "Well, when I was a child that word had different meanings, especially where I lived. Like for example, yo that's nice piece of ass. See?" Alfred said. "Okay. That's, nice. But it's still bad either way." Said Mrs. Hevderary. "I understand" nodded Alfred as he stood up and left.

"Man, Kids never learn." Alfred said.


End file.
